Day 10: I want to walk but all I can do is flail my arms and legs while on my back. Oh my God what is this giant doing? Wait, it’s not trying to eat me. Oh shit, I’m standing. Why the fuck are my legs so weak? Giant, don’t put me down. You fucking bitch. I can’t curse out loud so I’ll cry. Take that bitch.
Day 126: These giants are so demanding. They want me to call them these weird names. What the fuck is a mama and dada? I just say it so they keep picking me up and giving shit to put in my mouth. Plus they making my legs stronger so I run and escape from their dumb asses. Don’t get me wrong, I like these giant bitches but they always passing me around like a pinata. On top of that, they want cute on demand. Fuck them, where’s my bottle?
Day 132: They put me a torture device. They don’t wanna hold me anymore. These asshole are fat shaming me. The hairy one called dada says it gonna help walk. He keeps calling me sun. Fat Shaming… Do I look like a fucking big bright ball in the sky?
Day 139: I finally got the hang of this thing. The giants call it a walker. Those two fuckers aren’t that bright because this shit got wheels! Anyway, since they won’t pick me up, I run into their ankles and pull stuff down. When I have to take a poo, I don’t cry. I roll in the corner and get real quiet until they smell it. Plus it’s real messy because the seat in this thing gives me diaper wedgie.
Day 730: You assclowns missed me. It’s been 591 days. I can walk now and run too. I have teeth, can eat on my own and wear big boy pull ups. I have all the skills to run away from mommy and daddy. Apparently, these bitches wanted longer names. I have a plan. I’m going to do something bad, say no a lot and run for freedom. Wish me luck!
Day 880: I been practicing the plan. Today is the day. That bitch daddy won’t no what hit him. Here we go… “Billy, don’t take my keys.” No! No, no, no! It’s working guys. I’m running. Oh wait, too fast. Oh shit! Wall! I can’t slow down… Fuck, that hurt. “Billy, are you ok? Come here, don’t cry.” I’m not a pussy. Don’t judge me! He’s picking me up and hugging me. “You have to be good and listen. Stop running so much. You can’t see what’s around you if you’re moving fast and not paying attention.” He makes good points. “I love you sun.” Still with the fat shaming. I’ll get tall and thin out.
Year 24: I’m a grown up now. Sometimes I still need help. Mom and dad (apparently they like short names again) always did things to help me learn and grow into the man I am today. I’m very handsome. I didn’t always like how they went about things, but they always had my best interest in mind. I’ve come to depend on other people like you guys for help and support which is cool. But every once in a while I still mess up.
Year 24, day 157: Dad, I need to tell you something. “What’s up son?” (I’m not fat) I got a small scratch on the car. “I’m sure it’s no big deal. Let’s see the damage.” Walks in garage. “Billy, what the fuck? I’m going to ki…” Run!!!!! Oh shit… Wall!!!