June 9th, 2018 seems like another lifetime. It was the precipice of my downward spiral.
Here’s the recap via Facebook post from that day:
I always feel like I’m teetering on the edge of a cliff. It’s the overwhelming feeling of wanting to end it all. I live with depression. It comes over me in waves. I don’t always recognize the triggers, but I know its effects. I’m stressed about my health, finances, job and relationships.
Anthony Bourdain’s girlfriend said of him, “He was my love, my rock, my protector.” This morning I had a fight with a person who says the same things about me. This morning I needed him to be my rock, and he didn’t seem like was going to do that. In anger, I told him as much and he slammed a door, to storm off. I chased him, and sucker punched him. Fight! All I wanted was someone to keep me from the edge. He didn’t recognize what I needed and neither do most people in my life. I tried to commit suicide once and thank God I wasn’t successful, but it continues to be a struggle for me daily.
But wait, Chris is happy. I’m not happy. Loneliness hits me in waves. My health is declining. My job is stressful. Most of all, neither my family and “friends” are only around for themselves. A guy who tells me he cares everyday still can’t even give 10% to me of what I give to him.
Things are hard for me, but I manage to navigate life without going back to negative ways of copping. Unfortunately, I don’t have the support I need to keep pushing forward and this load is getting harder to bear. So many of you have added to it with your own problems. I have been a love, a rock, and a protector. I’ve been through your births, deaths, affairs, sickness, baby drama, car trouble, money problems, drug habits… I gave you love, I was your rock and I protected you. Where are all of you now?
I see your wonderful life on social media. You guys are having a ball. That’s why you can’t answer my calls, send a text or just check on me. But let you have a problem, those are not the people you turn too. Good ol’ Chris. He will be there for me. And like a fool, here I come to your rescue. Once you’re good, I don’t factor into your life. No calls, no text, no invite, no drop by to say hey… nothing.
How many of you knows what has been going on in my life? My so called best friends, brothers, sisters… If didn’t post this, you wouldn’t know. I posted about my surgery, one person reached out to call and say, “what’s going on?”
I’m scared everyday that one day, I won’t have the strength to keep moving. Some days I don’t even get out the bed. I’m tired, I’m moody, irritable. I’m unhappy. I feel alone. I feel out of control. I feel like I have no one to turn too. It makes me crazy and always in my feelings. I feel like I’m not enough, so I keep giving and giving, hoping that somebody finally gets it. All these feelings are eating away at me and I’m dying inside.
Today, I fought for my life. It took all of that for people to recognize that something was wrong. If it isn’t right in your face, to you turn a blind eye. I understand Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain’s troubles. The people closest to you take you for granted, use you and never give back. Their stories prove that all the adoration in the world cannot take the place of the love you lack from the people closes to you.
So, post about how people with mental illness seeking help if it makes you feel good. Remember how the story goes, these people made million feel good and obviously it never dawned on anyone they needed to feel the same.
Think about how I’ve made all of you feel special, appreciated, loved. Love, Rock, Protector… Now ask yourself, how often have you been that for me?
Thank you for inactively listening…
I love the guy who I punched in the face with my bad arm dearly. I love the woman who broke up the fight dearly. I love my best friend dearly. Today I maybe a little okay, really not, and I can’t be sure about tomorrow…
That was some real green mold on the loaf of bread that was my life back then. I mentioned Kate spade and Anthony Bourdain because at the time, both had recently committed suicide. I wasn’t too far behind them in my thinking.
Today, things are a lot better. However, it took a few more months before I would come on of that deep depression. I was nearly committed to the psych ward, had a nervous breakdown and tried to end my life; all before my surgery.
How did my life become bakery fresh you ask? Self love, support from friends/ family, therapy and a little pill called Lexapro. Most importantly, I had to learn to let certain things go, like my formally stressful job. I’ll tell you more about that in another post.
To be continued…
You’re not alone. Confidential help is available for free.
NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE