B-Sides Track 1- It’s Gay

Am I gay? That’s a good question. I can’t really give a straight answer. No pun intended. If the question is referring to “Gay” as a lifestyle, then no I’m not. I prefer to have sex with men. I crave penis. Then yes. I’m gay. I like women too, but for a long time a man pleasured me. I don’t like to be anally penetrated, but I will anally penetrate another man. I’m not going to lie and say it hasn’t happened since my abuser. I’ve let my guard down on at least three occasions. Hurt like hell! People tell me I’m bi-sexual. I say don’t label me. I’m Chris and I love everybody. Maybe I don’t want to face the fact that I’m Chris and I’m still scared; still hiding.

However, I did lead the “Down Low” lifestyle for a while. My super secret gay life was in full swing. No attachments became a standard rule for me. This caused me to have multiple partners. It also made it easy to keep my secret life secret. If anybody found out, my life would be over. Any guy I messed with more than once, I kept on a short leash. They never knew where I lived. I never gave them my number, I got theirs, and call private. Most importantly, I stayed away from guys in my neighborhood.

Sex was easy to come by as an adult. I had learned many places to go around NYC for anonymous encounters. A lot of the places were public buildings. The library, Macy’s, The Brooklyn Bridge at night, even New York University. Come to think of it, I’ve had a lot of sex in bathrooms. I traveled the city, looking for new places and new experiences. The train station bathroom was a popular place. I even ran into a guy from high school I fantasized about. It was big and I was spectacular. At this point, I’ve only had sex in a hotel twice.

I take great pleasure in performing oral sex. I get off on it; no need to reciprocate. By not having a person touch me, there is little emotional involvement. I fulfilled my need without risking any attachment. The side effect was all the nice guys that I let go. There were people I saw more than once, but if they wanted more, I’d pull away. I would know it was time to break it off if they tried to kiss me. I don’t like to kiss for two reasons. 1.) My abuser would kiss me with his smoker’s mouth. Not good. 2.) Kissing is a very intimate thing. There is a lot of emotion involved. Yes, I know I don’t have a problem with oral sex, but kissing is not the same thing.

I like to wrap my arms around my lovers; I like the feeling of closeness. To feel close to someone is something I’ve longed for. Yet, I never let anybody to close, because I didn’t understand what it was to be emotionally close. If we weren’t having sex, then it meant nothing. Sex is where I felt something. It was tangible. So, for a long time that’s what I did, have lots of sex. It was great while I was doing it, but after I’d feel bad. The guilt and shame would creep back in. I felt worthless.

I would say I’ve had over 200 sex partners since 1995. Once I graduated high school, I was free to do whatever I wanted. I started college and found more people like me. They taught me a lot. I cruised for guys daily and had sex with 3 to 5 guys a day. Of course, there were some slow days; I’d just count on my hands. Most of this involved unprotected oral sex. True be told, I love a mouth full of cum and I’m not going to tell you I never swallowed. I like the taste of it. This put at risk to catch a lot of STD’s, but I didn’t care. That is, until I thought I got one. I was so scared I had might have contracted HIV. When I tested negative, I went back to the same behavior. It’s a death wish. It took me a couple of years to realize that I was trying to hurt myself and a couple more to kind of get it under control. To this day, if I’m feeling any type of distress, I turn to sex. I fight the urge, but sometimes it still wins out, although few and far between.

I love the one thing most women find disgusting- uncircumcised penis. I can’t really say why that is, but there just more fun. You may be surprised to know, I’m not into black men. Yes people, I like a big one and most black men deliver. The rest of the package is unappealing to me. I think it stems from being abused by a black man. I like to say, when it comes to nationality, I’ve tasted the rainbow. Africans, Asians, Italians, German, Puerto Rican, French, you name it; I’ve most likely done it. My top three men are Asian, Puerto Rican and Caucasian aka White Boys. If you act too feminine, please step to the back of the line. If I wanted a woman, then I wouldn’t be talking to you. My life is not a secret anymore.

My needs have changed, but my preferences haven’t. I began to find myself amongst the confusion. It hasn’t been an easy road to get where I am today, but I’m better for it. Oh, and I am gay.

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