Straighten out yourself and get your mind on track
Dust off your butt and get your self-respect back
You’ve known me long enough to know that I don’t play
Take it like you want it but you got to keep the faith
So, what’s my love life like today? It’s just has mixed up as it was 10 years ago. I am so lonely. It’s a side effect of being violated. There was a time I used to be in love; believed in love; then my heart broke; now I fear love. I’m damaged! Raul broke my heart, Johnathan played with my emotions and everybody else only seems interested in what I have. However, I have yet to give up on love. I’ve realized that I am drawn to emotionally unavailable men and that I allowed them to do wrong to me. I am more upset about the things I haven’t done for myself than I am about things people have done to me. There are wrongs I need to right in my life. I need to heal. The question is how do I fix this damage? How do I get closure when the there is no one to confront? How and when do I start to forgive myself? It’s a work in progress but it is moving slow. Some days are better than others but when that lonely, worthless feeling creeps in, it can be debilitating.
I try to keep the faith that I will find that great love; unconditional love, healing love, forgiving love. I crave it like I use to crave sex. Sex is no longer a substitute for real love, closeness and emotion; it’s a chore. I do it because it needs to be done. Without that substitute, that pain of feeling unloved is greater. There are days when I can’t function because it’s all that I can think about. Some days I’m down, I’m sad, I’m angry and I lash out. Days like that, I try to stay to myself.
Read the lyrics to the left. I think they’re very inspiring. They help to left me out this sorrow I carry around. I have found people who tell me the same; encourage me to not give up. I haven’t given up.
My faith is strong and I have found some happiness recently. It is an unconditional love. It’s a relationship with the potential to grow into something greater. The problem is that I’m inpatient and don’t think I know how to love.